2.Seconds Ticking Away.
3.The Will to Live.
These all occurred a month ago. But I wasn’t in the right place of mind to find the will to write these. Although, I wasn’t in the right place of mind when I finally chose to write these but I guess I needed some form of output to… maintain my sanity. Maintain? Regain. I don’t even know if it worked. Anyway… let’s get to it.
Am I going crazy?
I think I am.
You have no idea. No idea. And you won’t know it because I’ve never told you this. But I’m writing it here, today. I need to make sense out of all this insanity. It’s all insanity to me because I can no longer understand what’s important when all of my priorities are deprioritized.
Am I going crazy?
It’s been happening lately. At night, ironically. 3 times.
The first time, it happened after I had some form of paranoia. I thought it was the end of me. Thought? No, believed it was the end of me. It shook me to the very core. So on that night, as I laid down to sleep, I heard it. The ticking of a clock.
The clock in the room didn’t make that sound, because the second hand doesn’t move for every second, it glided through every second.
I couldn’t shake it off. Just something about it felt… eerie to me. Of all the sounds, the AC, the TV in the other room or even the constant electric hum that vibrates the entire house, I could only distinguish the ticking. I tried to tune it out. Tried to fall asleep. But after my paranoia, the ticking was, in some way, testing the strength of my sanity that I tried to regain. Within seconds, my paranoia stirred again and so I went to look for the source.
It was just a watch. 2 meters away and it still sounded like it was right beside my ear. I took the watch and placed it inside the bathroom so I couldn’t hear it. Then I forced myself to sleep.
The second time, it was back in the room. I knew it was the watch. But I didn’t know why. Why the ticking was so loud, I didn’t question it. I was less concerned on why it was loud, and more concerned on why I had to hear it. I didn’t believe it’s a random variable, I believed it’s a coincidence. A message. Something symbolic. All these ticking are the seconds passing me by, wasted.
My time was running out. Time for what? I wasn’t sure. In that period of time, I believed that the watch was telling me that my life span was coming to an end soon. My time was running out.
Of course, paranoia intensified, I didn’t take the watch out the room but I pulled out the mechanism to stop its function. I had trouble sleeping that night.
On the third time, I freaked out. The constant electric hum that vibrates the entire house took over me to the point where it disconnected my rationality from myself. Where did the sound come from? I didn’t know. But it didn’t feel safe. And I didn’t ever believe it was there when I grew up in that house, otherwise, I would’ve been used to it. Except, it’s shaking my bones and I can’t stop my heart from racing. Airplanes. I dream of crashing planes, though I have no fear of planes. Well, not completely. But, in addition, I don’t remember planes flying closer to the ground of my hometown. To the point where you could hear them fly by even inside the house. My University is right next to an airport, which is saying one hell of a something if I fear planes in the sky rather than planes landing close by. But every time I heard a plane flew by, I would run to the window just to make sure the plane wasn’t crashing right into my window. Everyone was asleep, they all had school or work to go to the next morning. Me, on my holiday, spent it in paranoia and other things that were negative. Once, the plane has passed and the hum of electricity took its random break, I sat in the living room trying to regain a grasp of my sanity.
Wondering why I went to the living room in the first place?
It was because the watch ticked again. I did not know who or how the mechanism was put back in place, but the watch decided to function right before I wanted to sleep. No coincidence.
I sat there, unable to rationalize my thoughts. I am afraid. That’s the one thing that conquered my thoughts. My end was coming closer than I believed and I needed an awakening to see that.
At that time, that was what I believed. But looking back at it now, I think I misread the signs. My paranoia of death was supposed to be a wakeup call, but not in the sense of how really real death was but to remind myself that I am very much alive. That had Death knocked on my door, I wouldn’t be proud of who he was about to take. I’ve twisted myself to a person I no longer recognize. This is not adulthood; this is something else. If I were to grow by my decisions, I would have developed into a better version of myself, one that would like to pursue in what she believed she was born for. Or in some way, she’ll become the woman she wants to be. Unfortunately, I have fell far behind that. I no longer care, therefore I am no longer who I once was or wanted to be.
That explained the paranoia, but the ticking. It was a countdown to my biggest decision. That’s what it should’ve meant, not death. My decision to make; take the courage to set things right, become the woman I was meant to be and change my life course blindly or to throw it all away to make the ones I love happy. As the seconds were ticking away, my paranoia grew, my heart was being wrenched into a horrific mess, my sanity committed suicide along with my rationality and I died over and over again… I failed myself and chose the latter.