River Flows In You

Man, I’ve got a long way to go.

It’s going to be okay, darling. You may not see it and believe it, but it’s going to take time and you’ll get better. Don’t give up just yet.

No, you’re not hearing me. I ‘ v e G o t A L o n g W a y T o G o.

It means I’m seeing where I want to reach. I’m actually seeing where I want to reach. I’m feeling it. I’m passionate about it. I want it.

And I want it so bad, I even allowed myself to accept that it’s not going to come for me. I’m going to have to go after it. And it’s a really, really, really long way to go. It’s going to take so much time. And I’m okay with it. I’m okay with it. It’s not overwhelming to me how much time it’s going to take.

I don’t want to take shortcuts. I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to throw it all away just because what I wish for is too far from reach and that has overwhelmed me. No. No.

I want… To get there. So I have to leave here. This time and place; this part of me. I have to leave it here in the past. I want to.

As long as I have this moment of tranquillity from my all-too-consuming depression, I have got to seize this opportunity while I can. Wrap my hands around this, take as much strength and will power as I can from myself. I have to. I want to.

This is what I want.

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Depression is a state of stagnant water.
There’s no current, no flow, of water through the river stream of a mind.
When that happens toxins build up, toxifying the waters, the mind.
Killing all living things… healthy feelings… emotions…
It’s a little tiring, becomes tiresome, unbelievable, overwhelming, intolerable…

And then…
It kills you.

It will always kill you.
But that doesn’t mean you have to kill yourself.
Not yet.
Don’t rush it.
Wait.
Just wait.
Wait for one more minute… one more hour… one more day…
Be dead inside for one more day, because you won’t even see it coming unless you stay.
The rain will come… will pour… will wash away your pain.
And your river will flow like you’ve never believed it would.
Your river will flow as it should.
The flow… rushing through your veins, coursing through your soul…
And you’ll want to stay for another day. Not because you have to.
You want to.

Hey, I know.
This is depression we are talking about.
It just doesn’t go away.
The waters may not always flow strongly all day every day.
But the rain will come.
It always comes.
It will, especially for you.

Photo credit: @plekien (Insta)

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Trapped In Myself.

I don’t see the person I am. I am struggling with accepting my current personality (if I do indeed have a personality).

So… let me get this off my chest without an explanation (“validating my opinions“):

• I hate Twitter.
• I hate Instagram.
• I hate New Years.
• I hate accomplishing people.
• I hate people with money.
• I hate optimism.
• I hate opinionated people.
• I hate being woke.
• I hate jokes made from insults.
• I hate insensitivity.
• I hate having depression.
• I hate post-depressed people.
• I hate people.
• I hate people.
• I hate people.
• I hate having difficulty with being in any way happy.
• I hate losing the ability to be grateful long enough to want to be alive.
• I hate hopelessly making ideas of love that hasn’t and will not happen to me in any way due to my mental state.
• I hate having no victories.
• I hate being alone with myself.
• I hate being somewhat (clinically undiagnosed) bipolar.
• I hate fighting myself everyday.
• I hate feeling ugly inside.

Oh shit. Happy people must really hate me.

Self-degrading.

I used to be optimistic.
Now I’m not.
I used to be a person who would never lie unnecessarily.
But now I’m a liar.
I am a person who keeps promises.
But you never know, sooner than we know, I may no longer be that person.
I don’t trust myself anymore.
I keep falling below who I am because this depression is pulling me down.
Changing me subtly that I can’t tell it’s happening until it’s over.

So don’t trust me to keep promises.
In fact, I won’t even make promises, knowing that I can’t keep them.
And I may cut you out of my life too, because you’re starting to irritate me.
You keep asking promises from me, wanting things from me, wanting me to be happy, stress-free and sane.
I don’t even ask for these things from myself.
And I let myself off the hook for it.
It’s not something that I can easily achieve, not a walk in the park, not a journey with a happy ending.
And I understand it, accepted it, but you don’t get it.
You want me to ignore my perspectives of the battles I have to face that comes along with being clinically, chronically, mentally sick.
And just see it in your perspective because simple tasks aren’t hard. They’re “simple“.

Sometimes I’m stuck in being someone I’m not.
And when I’m aware, I can’t just revert to who I am.
Every situation feels like it’s too complicated to be who I am, behave as I would, do as I’d do.

I can’t face the mirror.
Part of it is because of the social anxiety/insecurity mess up, but mainly now it’s because I can no longer see myself.
The beauty of the hard work I’ve put into sculpting myself is no longer there to see.
All I see is a weathered down soul and body, unpleasant to the eyes.
This is who I am now, what I’ll be as the last thing everyone remembers of me.
I can’t face that.
I can’t face the mirror.

All of that hardwork, wasted in a matter of inexistent physical problems.

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I don’t know how much longer I can see “right“.
I know I’m not making this all up in my head, but sometimes I doubt it.
I hate those moments where I doubt, when I actually question whether or not it’s all in my head.

Around The Corner.

You know when you ask for someone to come and be there for you for something?

Like you asked for them. Because of the significance of their presence, whether you depend on them to cheer you up, for support, or for comfort.

And then the way you respond when they don’t show up. It’s about how flexible you are in their absence, whether you can function and move on, or you feel the real loss of their presence.

Does it really upset you or do you understand that that’s life? That life happens and people have things going on while you don’t. And you have things going on while they don’t.

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I think having your heart in the right place matters more than the convenience of your availability at a given point of time.

There’s not enough time of day to worry about sufficient amount of attention other people will or will not show you. For some it’s easy, others it’s an effort. It could be effort they’re willing to make or not. But they may trust that you understand them and give them the benefit of doubt regardless.

When they say “I am here”, what they really mean is “I am around the corner”.

I am, have been and will always be here, despite being out of sight. I am around the corner. When you need me, call out for me.

Me.

I have depression.

I have depression.

I have depression.

I have depression.

I have depression.

I have… depression.

I have depression.

It’s…

It’s weird, like I’ve known all this time but it just became… It’s real.

Like you know when you live for so long in a certain situation, and then you wake up and realise that you’re in this situation. You haven’t really registered how big of a deal it was but it is. How much things have changed for you but it has.

It’s been days, weeks, months, years… It’s been every day for a really long time.

I was always aware of what I had. But it’s different now. Because…

I knew I had it; I knew it was real. I actually went to see a psychiatrist and got clinically diagnosed with depression and social anxiety; It was registered as real by an adult. I was prescribed with medication; It was proved to be real. And now…

And now I’ve been off the medication for a week. And for the last two days I was completely not myself the moment I got triggered. And I had no control.

I had no control. Over myself, over my mind and my body. I was losing it completely. I was no where near sanity. I couldn’t stop breaking down, crying and hyperventilating, every time I thought about myself at this point and time.

I have depression… and I have social anxiety.

And I wanted to no longer exist so bad. So damn bad. That I temporarily ran away from everything that was part of my life, suffocating me, everybody. Everybody.

I have…

I’m sick.

It’s not… something I made up. Not something you just work to get over. I won’t get over it. I can’t get out of it. Can’t you see? I can’t get out.

I need to be cured.

Paradise

Is there room for me in your paradise?
If I came, would you let me in?
Tell me now because I can no longer be alive.
Or was my very existence a sin?

Is there room for me in your paradise?
May I hide out in your embrace?
Did I fail in your very eyes?
Did I come before you a disgrace?

Is there room for me in your paradise?
Do you believe in the goodness that I’ve been giving?
Despite the fact that I’ve murdered my soul,
Could I surely be forgiven?

Though I fought and fought for myself,
My soul can bear no more sorrow.
Although I’ve given nothing that I wouldn’t want for myself,
I can’t dream of another tomorrow.

Though I should’ve been on my knees
Showing gratitude and appreciation.
Instead I’ve been begging on my knees
For your mercy, to rid me of my existence.

Will you open the door for me to your paradise?
Would you forgive my soul?
Or will you toss me to the depths of hell
And let the fire devour me whole?

Go Out With Me?

I know that we don’t know each other well enough, or we haven’t gotten a chance to. I know that we’re not even considered close friends yet. And I may be skipping a lot of steps when I’m about to ask you this question.

Will you go out with me?

It’s sudden and out of nowhere and might seem impulsive. It is impulsive, but I’m not going to think otherwise. Because there’s so many people in this world, more than the mind could imagine. So many bad things going on, every day everywhere to everyone. So many things that are possible, but not happening unless I accept that it’s happening. Too much to handle, if I try to be aware, except I’m not capable to.

Which isn’t the point. The point is there’s so many people in this world, and there’s not enough time. I could wait around for absolutely nothing if I convince myself that the better of things will come in time. Or I could just not wait. I’m tired of waiting around and playing these games. Trying to send or read hints. I just want to know. Because then we could move in to the next, or I could move on. And I’ll be fine if you reject me.

Anyway, I’m just going to be straightforward. Because I know you know that I like you.

Will you go out with me? Because having a crush on you is not the worst thing in the world.