The Silence is Speaking Out.

Silence…

There’s just something about Silence, how intent she is, how patient and how calming.

Silence is more of a friend than something to fear. Unless it’s the calm before a storm. But Silence is always a friend.

When you sit in the company of Silence, she can tell you many things. Like how when your ears are ringing in her presence, she tells you that your mind is thinking too much. Or like how in her presence when your mind seems empty, she tells you there’s peace in your life.

She listens to you. Gives you time to collect yourself and may even speak for you when Words fail to.

She can tell you many things that Words isn’t fast enough to say. Words sometimes forgets to say things that she catches. He forgets how hollow he can be sometimes. And she fills him. Most times, Words is a liar. He hides the truth. But Silence can never lie. And she betrays truths too painful to be revealed by the will of man… because you have a right to know.

All the devils and angels hide behind Words in a tangled mess. But Silence can sort them out. And, sometimes, she can not. She tries her best though.

In the years of my existence, she has helped me out so much. I consider her as my Second Mother.

Holding my hand
when the nights were cold.
Congratulating me
on the days where I felt bold…
enough to speak up
against what I was told.
She told me it was okay
to tighten my hold…
onto Hope.
She listened to my calls.
Even when I had no one,
she was my all.
She softened my fall…
off the edge of reality.
Took away Words,
and she was my clarity.
Wiped away my tears
as I cried to insanity.
Taught me to move on
when the world didn’t need me.
On the nights that were cold,
she tightened her hold…
onto me.
Til’ I could stand on my own
And knew everything I needed to know
did she let go…
of me.

She is beautiful, wise and kind.

And I care about Silence just as much as she cares for me. So it only fits that I introduce her to you. 

Lose Sight of the Shore.

Remember Underwater? How I was submerging further and further away from the shore and needed someone to pull me out?

---

In the first month of trying to get to know my classmates, who I’ll be working with for the next 5 years, all I wanted to do was make friends and leave a good impression of myself. So it was rather a confusing blow to me when I couldn’t understand why they didn’t like me. Or  why they wouldn’t befriend me. And in a way my anxiety was triggered and a lot of other feelings.

In the next month, I was still trying to understand everyone based on their behaviour and why I stood out. I thought their behaviour was how normal teenagers were like causing me to believe that I was an oddity. Though I would never try to mimick them because it would be too uncomfortable.

As they pushed me out of their lives, I decided to live in my own. I created a world within. Of unexplored lands and endless possibilities. Beneath the facade I wear on my face was an ocean of unmeasured depth. With reality being too into itself, I escaped it and submerged below the surface. Creating worlds and emotions I’d never experience on the shore because, as I believed, no one cared about me that much anyway. All the while, I wanted to resurface because I didn’t want to miss out on life.

By the 3rd month I gained friends. Ones that aren’t in the same class as I am but studying the same course. We understand each other and in them do I feel normal. I can be myself because they like who I am.

And as a result of the friendship did I realise something else.

My classmates’ behaviour was what did set me apart. It’s not that they don’t like me, it’s that I don’t like them. Because I am not like them. Their behaviour is too erratic to me. Too loud, too energetic and too immature. Too unnecessary. And I don’t fit with them so well. It’s like trying to fight against strong sound waves because 1) there’s no way to fight against them and 2) you get hurt in the process. The damage to me is much more than it appears, because it is mainly distrupting my equillibrium and inner peace. They are just way too loud and irrational. Most times I just don’t want to be there. It’s too much for me to handle.

So I dive in, head first, into the ocean. Trying to swim deeper and deeper, until I lose sight of the shore. Until I can’t see the sun no more. Until I forget where I came from before. Sinking to the bottom til I reach the core. Where they can’t follow me down, for sure.

But it doesn’t work out so well, because the bubbles of air, from the shore, still in my lungs will float me up involuntarily. I try really hard. Because if I can’t physically remove my presence, then I’ll do it mentally. And it seems I can’t escape them.

Blind.

I guess I should look up and find that invisible spotlight that just happens to catch you perfectly. 

Does it catch you perfectly 
or are you just perfect? 
Do you have imperfections 
or are they hidden beneath the surface?

I try not to mimick you but I can’t help feeling worthless. You’re so positive and beautiful that it seems unnecessary to have a spotlight on you when you already emit your own light.

When everybody loves you,
Why do I need to love you too?
And you can’t see it, but I’m
Blind to the light of you.

That got me thinking… I can be just as positive and beautiful. I can be loved too. I can be like you but in my own way.

… But I can’t.

Because I allow myself to listen to the darkness that lurk in the corners. And I allow them to cause me pain, temporary and permanent pain. Just so that I can tell the difference between your normal mood to the mood after they corrupt you. When they dim your light, I’ll notice. And I’ll know how to help you out, that’s if you could actually see me…

Because it is so easy to get caught up in life. When you emit light, you don’t realise that it blinds you too. And the shadows lurk behind you silently. They’re ready to grab you by the ankles and take you down. I dim my own lights to see. And just know, I can see them. I can’t stop them but I know how to avoid them.

I lurk behind the darkness.
And you wonder what’s going on in my mind.
But as you flaunt your brightness around,
It also leaves you blind.

I may not be like you. I may not be liked by everyone. And I may seem strange. But know my heart beats all the same, so it’s all okay.

Maybe…

Maybe I’m psychologically defected…

---

Maybe there was a beautiful little girl who wanted to love the world with all of her heart but then you told her something that tore her apart…

Maybe as you told her that no body loves her she stopped giving out her love to those she believed who won’t return it…

Maybe she locked her heart up and never learned how to love…

Maybe now that girl all grown up wants to know what is love but she doesn’t know what it takes…

Maybe…

Maybe as you ran your mouth with insults, my heart stored them all…

Maybe as I stood there smiling I was crumbling inside…

Maybe all the tears that I shed permanently washed parts of my emotions…

Maybe I can no longer feel feelings because of you…

Maybe I don’t know how to love because I was more familiar with hatred…

Maybe I dreamt of someone who’ll save me from this depressed state I’m in…

Maybe I imagined a world of happy endings for me…

Maybe I don’t understand happiness the way authors do…

Maybe I’m psychologically defected…

---

And maybe I think too much.

Faceless.

Faceless :

i. Without a face.
ii. Without a form of identification of an individual being.
iii. Without a shred of dignity.
iv. Invisible.
v. A person who’s completely closed up from the world.

Sometimes I walk around faceless.

I sit there and watch people. Everyday. Watching them as if they are on TV and I don’t interact with them. And as you move, I follow. Just watching, without an input from me.

Sometimes I think I am faceless.

I don’t know what to say to them. I don’t know what to do. Be someone? A person? How? Should I smile and talk? I don’t know. And what is the right thing to say? In fact, what could I say?  So as you jabber on anything and everything, my mind is trying to think of a word to say. But I’m not fast enough. So I just watch. And I laugh along with your jokes. And I sit behind everyone. And I smile to anyone who looks, which hardly happens.

Sometimes I wish I was faceless.

It would be easier to think that I’m completely invisible. Because then I wouldn’t worry about what other people think of me. I wouldn’t have to think of my self image and my reputation based on my inability to perform basic human actions like speaking for instance. I wouldn’t doubt my value because I wouldn’t have any.

But of course, I can’t be faceless. And I’m human. So I’ll be suffering through my anxiety. And maybe some day, I wouldn’t be so faceless.

Words.

Transmission of thoughts and ideas through the form of words in a language in which you can understand.

Only words can capture feelings.

Only words can comprehend ideas.

Only words can initiate a sense of strength.

Only words can open a wound deep in the depths of your guilt.

Only words can shift the universe without interfering with the system of the galaxies.

Only words can paint a picture to a man who’s blind.

And I am a woman of words.

Only words differentiate the power of an individual to another.

Can I hurt you with my words?

Only if you’re weak enough to allow it. Weak; wrong word. Only if you’re brave enough to allow it.

Words are powerful.

But is it as powerful as action?

Yes. Because words can only affect what we choose to affect. But actions can affect something that we’re not in control of. Sometimes we’re not in control of ourselves before a change happens. And that change can destroy us. 

But only words can fix us.

No. I can mess with your mind and temporarily damage it with only words.

But with action, you can focus on the here and now. What you see, and what you do.

I’m not sure.

---

Words are the thinnest blade to exist. Because they can slice your heart in half without even leaving a mark on your skin. 

Call Back The Dried Out Wings From The Underwater Bridge

“Wait for me!” I don’t say.

The group of people decide they’ve had enough for tonight and gets up to walk away. Of course, they don’t ask me to tag along and of course, they don’t notice me still sitting there as they leave.

But he’s still here. I guess with his earphones on and music playing he hardly noticed the people leaving.

I look at him. And for a brief second something comes over me, making me decide to try and talk to him. I continue to look at him with the intention of grabbing his attention. But then my intention changes. To me staring at him, trying to soak in his image by the random splashes of bright light in contrast to the darkness across his face. Blue tinted edges. And even in those long seconds he doesn’t notice.

Someone comes up, so I sit back. 

When that person passes, it takes him a second to come back to reality. He looks around and takes off his earphones.

“Oh, they all left?”

“Yeah,” I say.

“Guess I should get going.” He gets up and does what the others failed to do, acknowledge my existence by offering his hand out for me to shake as a bid of farewell.

In which, I do.

He turns to go but gets tugged back. I haven’t let go of his hand.  And it seems like I don’t wan’t to let go, yet.

An episode happens in those seconds of holding his hand.

A thought, so small and fragile that I couldn’t understand of, forms in my mind and slowly slips down my spine and into my throat. Caught on the tip of my tongue.

He looks at me. In this darkness, I try to read his eyes but I can’t. And I guess he tries to do the same, which I can’t imagine he could.

“What is it?”

I feel so vulnerable now. It’s hard to maintain focus in this darkness. So a part of me believes that I’m dreaming. As if this situation, with me still holding his hand, is a fragment of my imagination because I know I wouldn’t be brave enough to do it in my wake. But I know I’m awake. 

The thought still on my tongue, I swallow it down. And instead say…

“Nothing.”

Hold it for a second longer, then let go of his hand.

He takes his hand back. And turns to walk away again. This time, I let him go.

As I watch him leave, my mind consumes me and I try to disappear into the darkness…

---

The title seems long and doesn’t make sense. It’s a combination of Call Back The Storm, Dried Out, Wings, Underwater and The Bridge, because it’s a combination of their ideas. Like each of them are a thread and when you weave them together you create a fabric… in this case, the fabric is my thoughts, ideas, decisions, actions and so on. Overall, me.

So it all occurred at once in this moment.

Call Back The Storm. It was dark. So dark, the light only caught the edges of objects and people. Even though there was no storm, the sun was set. And I wasn’t so exposed and my imperfections were hidden. So I felt more comfortable in my own skin. And I did what my conscious wanted me to do, involuntary.

Dried Out. My heart was so dry from the constant ignoration from people, until he held out his hand and I took it. In the hopes that “he’ll rebuild the happiness that I once lost“, I held on.

Wings. I couldn’t grow wings, so my heart took the chance and held on to him. To try to get him to slow down and see me, for once. Because “I can no longer wait for you to see what I’m trying to show you“.

Underwater. And in the darkness I couldn’t see the boundary. “Where the surface of water begins and the air ends”. Because I’ve always thought about holding on to him to the point where I actually held on without thinking twice.

The Bridge. I crossed halfway on the bridge but stopped myself when I couldn’t spit out the words that was caught on my tongue.

---

The thought was a feeble question. So pure, honest and real. If I had spoken it out loud it would’ve revealed my vulnerability and something I’ve been trying to hide. My need for him.

“Will you please stay?”

Dried Out.

My heart is dry.

I think I can remember the last time I smiled.

I smile a lot, maybe even all the time. But none of them even mean anything. They’re all scraps of left over happiness found in the bottom pit of my heart because hatred and pain devoured what used to be there. And so far, I’ve been living off of those left overs.

As my happiness was devoured, my systems have died down and dried. My heart has lost its moisture. It’s beating irregularly. Blood running through me sluggishly and I still wait for it to, one day, give up. To just stop moving.

I don’t know how the world works. But I’ve read books and I’ve watched movies. And love is the only concept I’m interested in. All I’ve learned is that love is real and can only happen naturally.

I’m not convinced. I think it’s fake. I mean I believe there’s such a thing as love but I don’t believe it’ll ever happen to me.

But I have hope. That someday, he’ll walk into my life. And rebuild the happiness that I once lost. Renourish my systems and allow my heart to beat smoothly again.

Call Back The Storm.

During those rainy days and stormy nights, I find comfort in them. I feel safer and more confident in myself. 

The sun has a way of scorching me.

Like a spotlight on me, showcasing my imperfections and flaws. Catching me by all my edges and pointing them out for everybody to see. Constantly blinding me. And making me feel naked and exposed to everyone. Exposing my wounds and burns them to dryness.

Where as, the storm blankets me from the sun.

The thunders grabs everyone’s attention away from me and even threats those with the intention of hurting me. I can hide behind the shadow it leaves and can see clearly. I’m on the same level as everyone and my imperfections are kept to myself. The rain washes away my pain.

Every other day I’m not okay, even as you ask what’s wrong. But I can’t tell you that it’s because the sun is out. You’d think I was crazy. So I tell you that my anxiety was triggered by some unknown force…